Do you feel stuck and frustrated because your husband won’t talk about his affair? Is it hard for you to trust him when he refuses to open up? You are not alone – when I discovered my husband’s affair, part of me wanted to know all the details, another part of me felt terrified to find out. If you feel the same, I hope the following 3 rules will help save your sanity and your marriage…
Rule #1: Think It Through. Do You Really Want To Know? What Next?
Have you considered that one reason your husband refuses to share the details with you, is because he’s afraid to hurt you even more?
Before you pressure your husband to talk about the affair, I suggest you spend some quiet time alone, write down your questions on paper and think it through for three whole days. Ask yourself: Do I really want to know the honest answers to all these questions?
A useful exercise for ‘Thinking it Through’ is to ask yourself the question “what next?” Imagine your husband has answered your questions… what happens next? And then what next? Is that the outcome you truly want?
This leads me to Rule #2…
Rule #2: Don’t Ask Him To Compare You With His Affair
Asking your husband to play the comparison game puts him in a no-win situation. If he says she was “better”, you feel hurt, jealous and lousy about yourself; If he says you are “better”, it makes you even more confused about why he would then choose to cheat in the first place – since “you are better”. Forcing him to compare will not serve the purpose of working towards healing your marriage. Don’t do it.
Rule #3: Avoid Negative Emotional Outbursts – It Kills Intimacy
This is a real intimacy killer. When either you or your husband explode and display strong negative emotion like angry outbursts (shouting, screaming, etc), you are actually murdering your relationship by repelling your partner. This is because all of us are designed to move away from pain (and move towards pleasure). If your husband won’t talk about his affair, don’t imagine you can hurt him into opening up. Cheaters have feelings too. And for your marriage to stand a chance, you need to work together as a team, not become enemies.
Did you know? It is a common misconception that you need to work out every sordid detail of the affair before you can heal. That simply isn’t true. True healing is a result of the energy a couple puts into healing the relationship. This conversation might be important for you, or you might not need it.