I Feel Like a Victim After My Husband’s Affair and I Hate Feeling This Way – Tips That Might Help

Many of the wives who contact me after finding out about their husband’s affair notice how much their perceptions of themselves have changed. I often hear phrases like: “I used to be so strong and self assured before the affair but now I’m afraid and emotional. I don’t like the person I’ve become and I hate what his cheating has done to me.” Or, “this is going to sound overly dramatic but I feel like a victim. I feel like I had no choice in the affair and that they’ve stolen something from me that I can never get back. I’m very resentful and angry about this. How can I stop feeling this way because I hate it.”

Actually, these phrases don’t sound overly dramatic to me at all. I had these issues and feelings myself. I also know the pain and frustration that goes along with the new self doubt that you may have never felt before. But, I have to tell you that these negative feelings and doubts do not mean that you’re no longer “strong.” What you’re feeling is so normal and understandable. It’s so important that you don’t turn these feelings back onto yourself or worry that something is wrong with you or assume that you should be handling this better.

In the following article, I’ll offer some tips that helped me in this situation. I hope that they help you as well.

If You Feel Like A Victim, Use Reverse Logic To Change Your Mind: The definition of a victim implies that someone has been innocently hurt by someone else’s actions. This most certainly applies to the wife of a husband who had an affair. Honestly, I feel that the biggest component of this is feeling like you had no control over it. This is certainly not a decision that you made but you are the one picking up the pieces. And, it’s completely normal to feel resentment over this.

But, innocent people are hurt every day. And, they have to choose if they are going to rise above it and move on if or they are going to focus on how unfair it all was. I know that might sound harsh, but sometimes you have to look at it this way because it’s so easy to get stuck on how unfair this all is so that you delay moving on to a place that would likely be much healthier for you.

This exercise can sometimes help. Imagine for a second that your best friend’s husband cheated on her. She comes to you for advice. You know that none of this is her fault, but she confesses to you that she feels victimized and stuck. What would you tell her? I suspect that you would tell her that while what’s happened to her is deplorable and unfair, you’re there to help her heal because she is a beautiful, wonderful person who didn’t do anything wrong and who deserves to be happy.

So, why are you any different? Why do you not deserve the same compassion and reassurance as your best friend? You do deserve the same compassion. But sometimes, you have to provide it for yourself.

Taking Your Power Back After Your Husband’s Affair: As I alluded to, I firmly believe that feeling like a victim has a lot to do with feeling like you don’t have any control over what is happening around or to you. So, to stop feeling victimized, you’ll often have to stop feeling this same lack of control.

Admittedly, you don’t have any control over whether the affair happened. It did. Unfortunately, that’s not going to change. But, you do have control over where you go from here. That is completely up to you and have complete control over how you conduct and support yourself right now. You can choose to reroute your thought process. You can choose how you spend your time. And, you can choose the people and information that you surround yourself with. It sometimes helps to realize that you have more choices than you might have thought.

Women often tell me that they feel like they’re at the mercy of their husband’s actions and behaviors after the affair. They often are hoping that he acts one way, but then are disappointed when he acts in the opposite way. For example, the wife may be hoping that he’s openly remorseful, apologetic, and full of reassurances and affection. What she might get instead is a husband who is defensive or who keeps his distance since he isn’t really sure what to do. And sometimes, the wife in this situation would take all of this to mean that her husband doesn’t care or isn’t sorry, and so she’s left being reactive to her husband.

But, I would argue that before you do that, you first tell your husband what you are looking for and then see how he responds. It is so common for there to be misunderstandings like this after the affair. The husband will often assume that the wife wants or needs one thing that is completely inaccurate. So, when the wife doesn’t get what she wants or needs, she assumes that the husband isn’t really invested. To avoid this, you will sometimes need to spell out what you need and then see what type of response you get. Not only does this give you a sense of control, but it gives you much more accurate information and makes it much more likely that you get what you want.

Finally, it’s so vital that you address and then tackle those self esteem issues. It’s absolutely normal for your self esteem to take a hit after your husband’s affair. But, taking control of this and working tirelessly to get it back is just one way to feel more control and to stop feeling like the victim. Always remember that the core of who you are did not change because of someone else’s actions. It may feel that way right now, but I promise that you are still the same strong and resourceful woman that you were before this happened.



Source by Katie Lersch

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